All In The Mind

DEALING WITH ANGER
by Christine Hargan, BSc (Hons) Psychology
www.psychologicalsolutionsforme.com

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

It makes me so angry I want to scream…… Ok perhaps that’s a bit girly…. For some clients for scream, read… kick the cat, punch your lights out… hit the wife/throw something at the husband… shut that child up…. Shut up...shut up…shut up!

Do you have a problem with anger? There are lots of different types, some are even made fashionable ie road rage….. then there’s raw rage….. Some people turn red shout and swear, others throw things, some punch the wall, others turn and punch someone, usually the person who made them angry, whatever their age, or the cause. Perhaps you bottle your anger and turn it inwards…. That can turn into depression.

So how can hypnotherapy and psychotherapy help with anger? Skilled treatment can help you to find the origins of your anger, diffuse them and to channel what’s left in more constructive ways. You will be helped to become aware of your cues and how to acknowledge rising feelings of anger, to understand what is happening to your mind and your body, and most importantly why. Once you understand why things are happening and the pattern of events leading up to the event you will feel in charge and often the fact that you can recognise the signs and that you are taking action is all that you need to resolve your problem you will also learn to channel your feelings of frustration in more constructive ways.

There are lots of ways to diffuse a situation. The most simple is taking a really deep breath while counting to 5, really fill your lungs to capacity hold your full lungs for a few seconds and then exhale thoroughly, preferably to a count of 10 and repeat another couple of times this will help, because, by controlling your breathing you are halting the rising feelings of rage and the associated adrenaline rush, you are also slowing your heartbeat and most importantly you are taking action. Simply doing something else can distract you and help you to feel in control. You may find that with rising anger, your face turns red and blood pressure rises sometimes dangerously. This is why people with uncontrolled anger suffer a higher risk of heart attacks. If you look at the first simple solution…. Lowering your blood pressure by controlling your breathing could actually save your life.

Other alternatives include recognising your rising temper and simply walking away and staying away until you are feeling calm and totally under control. In a domestic situation, where your partner (or child) has been the cause of upset, rather than arguing, or allowing the situation to get worse, you could simply turn round and walk away, take the dog/cat/hamster for a walk, or a run, or go to the gym. It is important to use the excess energy – If you’re unable to leave the house you could use your energy constructively, that way you eliminate the anger for instance you could beat the floor mats, or, dig the garden, in preparation for growing food or, make some bread, that way you can take all of your frustration out on the dough, punch it … wring its neck… slap it around and the more you take out your frustration on the dough the lighter the bread becomes. The key principle is to create something positive from your anger, and in the last two suggestions the angry party has to demonstrate patience waiting for the food to be ready.

Remember anger is only one letter short of danger! If it’s due to an emotional upset, you will never be in control if you don’t talk about it. Once something has been said in anger it’s not possible to ‘unsay’ it and attempts to retract hurtful words can be costly, in time, expense and energy. Write down the cause of your frustration, and add to it; as things come to you over a period of hours. Do not tackle the cause of the anger whilst still hot headed… you will only make things worse.

Once you have calmed down you can either discuss the things that contributed to your loss of temper and own those feelings using I: I feel, I am, I need, I will, I want, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m feeling etc. Owning the feelings is important because you are not blaming any one else, therefore the other party is more likely to respond calmly and display more empathy: whereas If the other party is verbally attacked and blamed, they will be defensive and are likely to retaliate angrily and exacerbate the situation. Many women use tears, to diffuse a situation because they know, instinctively or otherwise, that it unfoots the other party, the anger becomes sympathy, and/or the other party feels really uncomfortable with dealing with an emotional outburst, because its not something they have learned to deal with.

Talk about it, write about it, write a letter.
Stay goal focused: “What is my goal here?”
To have good relationships?
To get on with people?
To be happy?
To get things done?
To influence others?
Does thinking or behaving this way help me to feel good or achieve my goals?
Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Getting angry punishes you.
Each time you successfully control your anger that’s a victory for you!

"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”

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Christine Hargan, BSc (Hons) Psychology; Specialises in and treats the causes and effects of emotional disorders, confidence and addiction based issues with hypnotherapy, NLP and psychotherapy. For further information www.psychologicalsolutionsforme.com